so recently…
I have come to the realization that I have not had the best attitude about certain aspects in my life. For some reason, everything affects me deeply and I cannot seem to get out of this funk. They just keep piling onto one another until I am to the point where I just want to scream. All it takes is one minute of stepping outside to look in (and maybe a slap in the face) and suddenly it’s another perspective on things. We all need to have some perspective on life’s little trifles once in a while, but you start to forget when those same trifles just keep coming at you and you have no chance at a refreshing point of view.
I tried this attitude adjustment before a few months back already. I was always frustrated about something for some reason and finally I thought it was time to appreciate what I had. I seemed to have forgotten that again and can only see things in a pessimistic way. No matter what happens or what someone tells me, everything sucks. Life, relationships, growing up, everything. It got really bad a couple days ago and all I wanted to do was give up completely and let the world whisk me off somewhere far away.
Since then, I have been doing a fair amount of thinking and today I did quite a bit of reminiscing. I thought a lot about someone and back to where we started and all my fears and doubts began to disappear. Just like I did back then, I felt silly for even entertaining those thoughts, but back then, the feelings were reversed. I remember very clearly how it started and what I felt, and all the things that happened in that time period. I began to wonder how I could possibly doubt everything we had and how it could ever go to waste. In all honesty, this is quite possibly one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I am not about to let it go anytime soon. We are just getting started.
As for life, it has certainly been a very stressful ride. I struggle a lot and sometimes I think I will never make it. I also think I will certainly never make it if I do not put in real effort. I am not entirely certain where exactly it stems from, but something in my head tells me that there is something wrong with me. That I am not capable of succeeding and that I do not deserve happiness of any sort. All I am and all I will ever be is a worthless failure who won’t ever amount to anything, if even I try. I know I have never really had any confidence in myself, even though I tell myself I am okay with who I am. Honestly, I am okay for the most part, but when things get difficult, I cave. It’s like I don’t try because I know it won’t be good enough. That may also be a slight obsessive-compulsive/perfectionist quirk, but one can never be sure. I know that somehow I need to tackle this and find a way to the future I want most. I cannot let my fears conquer me. Somehow I will manage. I will find the motivation to succeed and beat every obstacle in my path, even if it takes a few kicks to knock them down. I have to.
I have always said that my family and friends mean the world to me and it will always hold true, even if I don’t always show it. In the midst of life and its ongoing struggles, I also forget about the people in my life that have helped me become the person I am today and still continue to help me even when there is no need for them to help any longer. I behave the worst to these people because I feel like a child to them and it feels as though they think I know nothing or am not capable of doing anything right. It is true that I probably would not go very far in life if I did not have them to help me along the way, but I am getting to the point where I want to do things on my own. I have spent far too much time being dependent on other people to survive and I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling helpless and feeling like a burden to everyone around me.
I am a little late in this, but I have to start taking care of myself and taking responsibility for my actions and my screw-ups. I am still working on the responsible part, but again, it’s the motivation thing I suppose. How can I ever learn anything in life and make something of myself if I don’t do it on my own? I will admit that I need help from time to time and in desperate times, but I cannot continue to depend on others on a daily basis, otherwise I will never learn to take care of myself. I have been working on this for years, not as much as I should have been, and I still have quite a ways to go, but I know it will be worth it in the end and the victory will feel so much sweeter if I can achieve it on my own.
I hope you know that I love each and every one of you with all of my heart and I always will. You are the reason I am here.
*On a side note, here’s a song I’ve been listening to nonstop today and yesterday that I think has helped me a little and I think you should listen to it. It has three parts and is about sixteen minutes long, but it flows so nicely and beautifully that it’s over before you realize.
These are the most moving lines to me:
I. I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That I am living
Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless
II. Worry not everything is sound
This is the safest place you’ve found
The only noise beating out is ours
Lacing our tea from honey jars
III. And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well
Stay wonderful. ♥
I tried this attitude adjustment before a few months back already. I was always frustrated about something for some reason and finally I thought it was time to appreciate what I had. I seemed to have forgotten that again and can only see things in a pessimistic way. No matter what happens or what someone tells me, everything sucks. Life, relationships, growing up, everything. It got really bad a couple days ago and all I wanted to do was give up completely and let the world whisk me off somewhere far away.
Since then, I have been doing a fair amount of thinking and today I did quite a bit of reminiscing. I thought a lot about someone and back to where we started and all my fears and doubts began to disappear. Just like I did back then, I felt silly for even entertaining those thoughts, but back then, the feelings were reversed. I remember very clearly how it started and what I felt, and all the things that happened in that time period. I began to wonder how I could possibly doubt everything we had and how it could ever go to waste. In all honesty, this is quite possibly one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I am not about to let it go anytime soon. We are just getting started.
As for life, it has certainly been a very stressful ride. I struggle a lot and sometimes I think I will never make it. I also think I will certainly never make it if I do not put in real effort. I am not entirely certain where exactly it stems from, but something in my head tells me that there is something wrong with me. That I am not capable of succeeding and that I do not deserve happiness of any sort. All I am and all I will ever be is a worthless failure who won’t ever amount to anything, if even I try. I know I have never really had any confidence in myself, even though I tell myself I am okay with who I am. Honestly, I am okay for the most part, but when things get difficult, I cave. It’s like I don’t try because I know it won’t be good enough. That may also be a slight obsessive-compulsive/perfectionist quirk, but one can never be sure. I know that somehow I need to tackle this and find a way to the future I want most. I cannot let my fears conquer me. Somehow I will manage. I will find the motivation to succeed and beat every obstacle in my path, even if it takes a few kicks to knock them down. I have to.
I have always said that my family and friends mean the world to me and it will always hold true, even if I don’t always show it. In the midst of life and its ongoing struggles, I also forget about the people in my life that have helped me become the person I am today and still continue to help me even when there is no need for them to help any longer. I behave the worst to these people because I feel like a child to them and it feels as though they think I know nothing or am not capable of doing anything right. It is true that I probably would not go very far in life if I did not have them to help me along the way, but I am getting to the point where I want to do things on my own. I have spent far too much time being dependent on other people to survive and I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling helpless and feeling like a burden to everyone around me.
I am a little late in this, but I have to start taking care of myself and taking responsibility for my actions and my screw-ups. I am still working on the responsible part, but again, it’s the motivation thing I suppose. How can I ever learn anything in life and make something of myself if I don’t do it on my own? I will admit that I need help from time to time and in desperate times, but I cannot continue to depend on others on a daily basis, otherwise I will never learn to take care of myself. I have been working on this for years, not as much as I should have been, and I still have quite a ways to go, but I know it will be worth it in the end and the victory will feel so much sweeter if I can achieve it on my own.
I hope you know that I love each and every one of you with all of my heart and I always will. You are the reason I am here.
*On a side note, here’s a song I’ve been listening to nonstop today and yesterday that I think has helped me a little and I think you should listen to it. It has three parts and is about sixteen minutes long, but it flows so nicely and beautifully that it’s over before you realize.
The Lightning Strike: What if this storm ends?/The sunlight through the flags/Daybreak
I. I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That I am living
Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless
II. Worry not everything is sound
This is the safest place you’ve found
The only noise beating out is ours
Lacing our tea from honey jars
III. And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well
Stay wonderful. ♥
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